


Certifiably Bonkers

by UbiquitousMixie



Category: The Mindy Project
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-08-28
Packaged: 2018-02-15 02:15:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2211978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UbiquitousMixie/pseuds/UbiquitousMixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It doesn't count as cheating if it's a girl."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Certifiably Bonkers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FakePlastikTrees](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FakePlastikTrees/gifts).



> My dear friend said she would write me raunchy smut fic about my OTP if I wrote her a Mindy/Danny fic, so CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. I have never written for this fandom before, so I'm a bit terrified that it's OOC, so be gentle. I tried really hard, okay?? Let me know what you think.

Danny watches his girlfriend nurse the shockingly green cocktail, noting that she must already be in that particular state of drunkenness when you no longer feel your tongue since she is no longer puckering her lips at the sour taste. He had asked why she didn’t just order something less sour instead (as there are a whole plethora of non-sour drinks in colors that do not occur in nature), but she had informed him that she couldn’t _not_ order the yummiest drink on the planet. She had even dared him to try it, but he declined. Real men do not drink Apple-tinis. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Danny notices that Morgan has downed his own Apple-tini, and he shakes his head. His points make themselves, really. 

“Oh. My. _God._ ” Mindy turns to him, nearly sloshing the contents of her cocktail. “Did you see the hottie with the body who just walked in? She is totally checking me out, like I’m a bag of potato chips and she’s the cashier waiting to take her lunch break.” 

“The only one here that’s checking you out is me,” he says with a grin, sliding his hand around the curve of her waist. It’s been almost six months now, but the novelty of touching her is not lost on him. He loves any opportunity to put his hands on her not because he wants to possess her, but because she’s actually, really his, and he’s afraid that she’ll disappear if he doesn’t check from time to time that she’s really there. “You are looking smokin’ hot tonight -- have I told you that?” 

Her eyes turn to meet his, and she gives that slow grin that is part “duh” and part skepticism. For all her haughty confidence, it’s still weird to her that anyone could find her as gorgeous as he does, and Danny has made it his mission to remind her at every opportunity. He will not be relegated to the likes of her former douche bag boyfriends. He plans on sticking around. 

“You old flatterer,” she states with a grin, curling her arms around his neck. “Are you trying to get lucky, mister?” 

“Is it working?” 

She raises a perfectly arched eyebrow and kisses him in response -- with tongue. Oh yeah. It’s definitely working. 

“No, but seriously though,” Mindy says, casting a glassy look over her shoulder across the bar. “Check out that girl over there -- the redhead.” 

He looks, and he nods. She’s cute, all curly red hair and pale skin and plump, pouty lips. She looks like the kinda girl he would have gone for in the past, but she’s a six, _maybe_ a generous seven. Mindy’s a twelve. To his surprise, Mindy is actually right -- this chick is definitely checking out his girlfriend. He mentions this, and her ‘Ha! I’m right!” smirk is the farthest thing from subtle. 

“I could totally pull that.” 

Danny snorts and takes a gulp of his beer. “Yeah, sure ya could.” 

She gapes. “What? I could! You know I could. She wants a piece of this fine Indian goddess.” Mindy sips her drink--it really does look like radioactive waste--and stares at her. “Man, did you see her ass? Look at that thing! It should come with a warning. I could smack that ass for days.” 

He imagines it, this pale woman bent over Mindy’s lap, her ass red and raw. He shifts just slightly on his barstool. He could give or take this chick’s ass, but Mindy going to town on her? Now that is a mental image with promise. He’ll save that train of thought for the next time she makes him watch one of those awful rom-coms with that whiny blonde chick. 

“I bet eight million dollars that I can get her number.” 

“I cannot in good conscience take that bet, Min. You don’t have eight million dollars. I can’t bankrupt you.” 

“Pssh, more like _you_ don’t have that money. What is it really? Afraid to lose? Afraid that Christina Hendricks look-a-like will woo me into cheating on you?” Her eyes twinkle with mischief. 

At that, he does laugh. “Firstly,” he remarks, holding out his thumb, “you wouldn’t cheat on me. Secondly,” he extends his index finger, “it doesn’t count as cheating if it’s a girl.” 

She raises both of her eyebrows then. “So what -- I’m not hot enough to pick up a girl? Is that it?” she challenges defiantly, giving him a pointed look. 

Backed into a corner, Danny sighs. There’s no reasoning with her when she’s like this. If she’s trying to make a point, he has no idea what it is, which he reasons is due to the alcohol she’s consumed. “Of course you’re hot enough, you nutjob,” he finally says. “All I’m saying is…she’s seen you over here with me. How can she compete with all of this?” He motions from his head toward his feet, giving his shoulders a little shake to give her the full effect of his banging Castellano genes. 

Mindy rolls her eyes. “So what is it, Castellano? Is it a bet or what?” 

He waves his hand. “Fine. Go. Get on that.” 

She takes a healthy gulp of her drink as if she pump herself up for her own dare and shimmies her shoulders, as if to shake off her nerdy, slightly awkward identity. She gives him a smouldering look, one that makes him feel a tingle in his swimsuit region, before she flounces off in the woman’s direction. 

At first, it amuses him. Mindy’s giving it 110%, flipping her hair over her shoulder and lazily cocking her hip as if she picks up hot chicks regularly for a happy hour snack. The woman is totally into it. Danny’s no expert in body language, but he’s pretty sure that the thing she’s doing with her chest and the half-lidded gaze means she’s totally going to give Mindy her number….written on her panties. 

After the amusement fades, it’s replaced with confusion. If he didn’t know better, he’d think Mindy was actually trying to get her number because she intended to use it. He’s pretty sure she’s not into women, but this one _is_ pretty sexy. He tries to guess what Mindy’s endgame is, but he has no idea -- especially when the woman’s fingers graze Mindy’s arm. 

Screw confusion -- Danny’s downright jealous, his stomach churning unpleasantly. He feels like he’s watching a video from the collection he told Mindy he threw away (but instead stored on the bottom level of his tool box, knowing she’ll never go in there). He reaches for the Apple-tini; beer’s not strong enough for the horror of watching his girlfriend hop on the train to Lesbo Town, and so he downs the rest of her drink. Danny regrets it immediately; he sticks out his tongue and coughs, hacking through the sour swill and washing the taste out with beer. 

He recovers himself and looks back to the scene unfolding in front of him. The woman leans in a little toward Mindy. She’s staring at her mouth. 

Danny stares in horror, unable to look away. And then, to his surprise, Mindy’s eyes widen and he can hear her shrill apology from across the bar before she bolts back toward him, leaving the redhead staring in blatant confusion. He heaves a sigh of relief, smiling gratefully as she approaches. His smile fades when he notices how pissed she is.

She smacks him on the arm. “ _Oh my actual God!”_ she shrieks. “You were really gonna let me go through with it!?” 

“I...what?” 

“Of course it counts as cheating, you old creeper! What is wrong with you??” 

“But I thought -- you said -- _was this a test?_ ” 

“Uh yeah, obviously. And you totally failed.” 

“I did not.” 

“You so did.” 

“Nope.” 

“And why not?” 

He tugs her in close, unable to remain irritated with her for testing him _again_. “I knew you wouldn’t cheat on me. I knew you wouldn’t even fake-cheat on me. I agreed because I knew you wouldn’t go through with it.” She doesn’t need to know about his momentary panic. “You are such a weirdo, but I know you too well.” 

“Whatever.” She rolls her eyes, but she nuzzles her nose against his five-o’clock shadow anyway. “You owe me eight million buckaroos, by the way.” 

“Not gonna happen, but I will buy you another Apple-tini.” 

She snorts with laughter and slaps the bartop. “I knew I could get you to drink it!” She peers around her, looking for Morgan and Peter. “Guys! Guys! It worked! He totally fell for it!” 

Danny’s jaw drops as he watches Mindy high-five Peter. “This wasn’t even about how I’d react if you tried to pick up someone? That was about an Apple-tini?” 

“Yep,” she says, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “Guess you don’t know everything about me after all, old man.” 

He laughs, and then he kisses her. His girlfriend is probably certifiably bonkers, but she’s all his. 

\--


End file.
